Managing Difficult Behaviour in Young Children

I have often heard the question asked: How do I find a punishment, or reward, that works with my child?

In my experience, one type of “currency” that all children respond to is regular, one-on-one, attentive, happy time with a parent.

Depending on the age of your child, this may boil down to a variety of options: a nightly 20-minute set of bedtime stories that the child chooses; a certain game they would love to play with you; sitting on the swing while talking and joking together… it could be anything, as long as it involves your undivided attention, and pleasant time spent really listening to whatever he or she has to say, with smiles and positive, loving responses.

How do you use your “currency”? It should be used with just a few specific, very problematic behaviours you are trying to stop. Don’t overuse it; be fair and pick your battles. Do not expect behaviour that is above the age level of your child.

But use it on those major needs: “Darling, don’t hit people. If you hit anyone again today, we can’t have our special story time tonight, can we.” If the undesirable behaviour continues, you MUST enforce the loss of the privilege for that day. No matter how bad the tantrum is at the time of withholding the privilege. Remind them how the system works: “I love you so much sweetie, but we can’t have our special story time today, because Mummy said no hitting and then you hit me again.”

When parents remind their child of this in that moment of the misbehaviour (perhaps after one warning or one request to stop), they are amazed at the results. The behaviour probably won’t change that very first time, but when this system is used correctly and consistently for a number of days, I have seen many parents be amazed and delighted with the results.