Managing Difficult Behaviour in Young Children

I have often heard the question asked: How do I find a punishment, or reward, that works with my child?

In my experience, one type of “currency” that all children respond to is regular, one-on-one, attentive, happy time with a parent.

Depending on the age of your child, this may boil down to a variety of options: a nightly 20-minute set of bedtime stories that the child chooses; a certain game they would love to play with you; sitting on the swing while talking and joking together… it could be anything, as long as it involves your undivided attention, and pleasant time spent really listening to whatever he or she has to say, with smiles and positive, loving responses.

How do you use your “currency”? It should be used with just a few specific, very problematic behaviours you are trying to stop. Don’t overuse it; be fair and pick your battles. Do not expect behaviour that is above the age level of your child.

But use it on those major needs: “Darling, don’t hit people. If you hit anyone again today, we can’t have our special story time tonight, can we.” If the undesirable behaviour continues, you MUST enforce the loss of the privilege for that day. No matter how bad the tantrum is at the time of withholding the privilege. Remind them how the system works: “I love you so much sweetie, but we can’t have our special story time today, because Mummy said no hitting and then you hit me again.”

When parents remind their child of this in that moment of the misbehaviour (perhaps after one warning or one request to stop), they are amazed at the results. The behaviour probably won’t change that very first time, but when this system is used correctly and consistently for a number of days, I have seen many parents be amazed and delighted with the results.

Children Reward No-No’s

It is hard work being a parent. Children are not adults and do not always listen to reason and behave in a way that is fitting in every situation. It is easy to become frustrated with a child in the grocery store, who cries and begs for sugary cereal or soda pop, when they know that you do not allow them in the home.

A lot of parents do not know how to deal with their children in situations like these and will say or do anything that they can to stop their children’s bad behavior. They will say things like, “If you stop crying…” or “If you just behave…”, “then you will get a reward.”

This is reinforcing bad leadership skills to your child and teaching them that if they misbehave, they will be rewarded for stopping that behavior. They may deliberately start misbehaving just so they can get those rewards and treats; which are often things that they weren’t really allowed in the first place, like candy, sugary cereals and soda pops.

Do not allow your child to rule the roost. Don’t reward them for bad behave, punish them. Stop them from using the internet, watching TV, talking on the phone, hanging out with friends.

Reward them when they are doing something good, helping out around the house, well at school, nice to misfits etc., however never let these rewards be banned items!